My Absence from Family Parties Doesn’t Mean What You Think it Means
Neurodivergence and Struggling with Social Hierarchies:
I used to think I was a ‘bad person’ because I really struggle with specific kinds of social events where my presence is expected as what feels to me like some kind of flaunting of social skill. And when I’ve had conversations with friends and family members about the issue, it always seemed like they were deeply hurt by my indifference in regard to social norms.
I felt very inadequate about this until I asked myself: Wait…What about me? Nobody has ever asked me what it is like for me to do these things - to attend these events and parties.
Ever since I was a kid I remember thinking how strange it is that people force themselves to do certain things and also how, when something goes wrong, they feel deeply insecure for not performing well socially. It all seemed very desperate. I always felt like social events like birthdays and dinners and holidays seemed to make people really miserable while they pretended it did the opposite. But most of all, I always felt it took the authenticity out of relationships.
However, I didn’t think it was my place to judge them. I didn’t think they were wrong to do it. I just felt that they were seemingly very attached to predetermined ways of structuring their life and relationships — and this act did not feel fulfilling to me. In fact, I felt that it was more an act of love to let people feel totally okay with whatever decision they make. So if I opened a space for social exchange and they simply did not want to, I never wanted them to feel obligated or pressured to perform. That, to me, feels like love. But I am not an authority on love, nor am I interested in enforcing my perspective on anyone.
However, it was always uncomfortable to have this issue and I felt like I was failing someone or somehow every time this happened. I just could not for the life of me get myself to regularly or calmly participate in these events.
And I know this has alienated people. It has made them feel disregarded and rejected and abandoned. But I want those people to know that that was never my intention.
I love them very much but doing things for social etiquette and ‘normalcy’ sake makes me feel like I am submitting to social hierarchies which dictate the norm, and that is very difficult for me to do without expressing it.
The norm is not ‘correct’. There is no absolute truth to be found in man-made rules and social standards. And, to me, that space of normalcy is a highly regulated and performance-focused space of control, objectification, disconnection and separation.
So going to family parties and social gatherings feels to me like letting the world and society tell me who to be. And this does not align with the very basics of my principles.
Many people, friends and family, throughout my life, tried to write it off as a cluster b personality disorder or depression but I have been in treatment for both and my doctors are pretty convinced that those are not the problem. This is not something I expressed to them either. I never asked them to consider anything else. I just wanted antidepressants so I could function - so I could stop hurting people.
But the doctors agree that that is not what is making it difficult for me. And even if it were depression, that doesn’t mean I am WRONG. I think I just struggle with social hierarchies and etiquette and engaging in it hurts and exhausts me.
Engaging in forced, superficial connections not only makes me very confused, it also makes me feel completely disconnected from myself and the world around me. And my ‘weirdness’ i.e. my very existence as myself, engaging in authentic expression, in the presence of most people makes them uncomfortable. So for me to go to these events takes intense focus and control of my expression, my identity and my emotions.
I truly think I am not alone in feeling this way. I think there are many, many people in this world who have a lot of love for people, who just are more detached from social hierarchies than others, who feel the same way I do about things like appearances and social events.
And it might be worth a thought and consideration that there is a possibility that neurodivergents who avoid these events are on to something as well. If you think in terms of social etiquette and hierarchies as a mechanism for oppression, you very quickly come to see that it could be considered a direct rejection of someone to expect them to ‘make sacrifices’ just so one can feel like the CORRECT form of love is being extended to them.
I don’t need to be there and engage in social rituals to love you. You are in my heart and I always strive to be truly connected to you. But most of the time you aren’t ready for that connection. Most of the time you reject that connection because it isn’t guarded and comfortable.
I love my family. But my love is about connection. It’s about realness and authenticity. It’s not about social conformity or sacrificing truth.
And I have to leave neurotypicals with this food for thought: if you value a relationship based on how much people are willing to sacrifice their own perceptions of truth and connection for your definitions of love which, in your world, are shown via going to social events which require a temporary shutting down of ones perspective, opinions, ‘strangeness’, ideals, expressions, or any type of free-flowing thought, then maybe youre not as good of a person/friend/relative as you thought you were.
I have never and will never ask you to conform to my perception or standards. Why are you?